{depression.. it's not for the weak.}

One thing I hate about suffering from depression, is that sometimes,  even though I'm medicated, I begin to feel myself slipping into another bought of depression.  Like standing in quicksand, I feel myself sinking but I'm helpless to stop it or do anything about it.  I become very sensitive, my feelings are hurt very easily, and I suffer from the deepest feeling of worthlessness.  Thankfully, I don't have these episodes often, but unfortunately, now appears to be one of the  times that I am.  When I begin to feel like this I find myself trying to hole up in my house all alone.  I have no desire to go anywhere, to talk on the phone, or to do anything.  If it weren't for my computer, I'd have NO social interaction at all.   I have to actually make myself get showered, dressed and moving.  Today was one of those days.  Right before noon, I decided I MUST get out of the house, so I showered, got myself ready and went out to Town Center.  Bra shopping.  Why bra shopping?  Because bathing suit shopping would've thrown me from depressed to suicidal, that's why.  And besides, I needed new bras.  The sistas were starting to make a more southern move in my all too comfy old bras.  Anywho... I now realize that if I'm going to do any "therapy shopping" I should:

A. do it with a friend, and

B. shop for ANYTHING besides clothing. 

Especially intimate clothing.  You know, the kind where my private parts have to be seen in a BIG mirror in a dressing room.  Where the whole time I'm trying on the intimate apparel, I'm wondering if there are secret cameras recording me to later be found on YouTube with some 5 million hits and lots of ugly comments. 

At the point where my distressed brain started to imagine the YouTube video, I just grabbed my bras and headed to the checkout counter.  Once paid for, I headed back out to the street, thinking that a walk around the Town Center might do me good.  For reasons beyond my comprehension, my feet take me directly to my car, where I still had another 38 minutes on the parking meter.  Consider it my good deed for the day, but I pulled out and let someone pull in and use the rest of the time on my meter.  I just didn't feel like walking around and doing any shopping.  Instead, I rushed home to see if my bra shopping video had been posted on YouTube yet.  (Sorry to inform you that I must've broken the camera, cause no video footage of me squeezing the sistas in demicups seems to exist). 

Seriously though... I hate when I feel like this. I could always take more meds, but since I know it's temporary, I don't want to increase the amount I take.  The fact that Aunt Flo is here for the second time THIS month might have something to do with it, and the fact that I'm old as dirt may also have a play in it.  (Have I mentioned to you how much I hate getting old?)  Let's just say it just really sucks. There is also the possibility that I am, simply put -- mentally and physically exhausted.  I've had a good 3 weeks or so where I have been nonstop.  In a GREAT way of course, but maybe it's just all caught up with me.  In which case, a few days (or a week) in a dark closet by myself might help. lol.  If you come looking for me, and find me in the closet, would you do me a favor and bring me some chocolate and coffee?  

In hopes of making myself feel better, I forced myself to go to church tonight. Unfortunately I felt totally unconnected and all alone in the middle of a crowd of people.  NOT because of anything anyone else did, but just because of me and my disease.  I just couldn't "get into it". I tried.  It was just easier to sit by myself and try to be invisible. Feeling unwanted, unloved, unattractive and unworthy sucks.   I know I AM LOVED, and I AM WORTHY!!!!!  Even though, at the moment, I feel like crap,  deep in my heart I know that I am loved by my Father immensely.  As a matter of fact, I'm His favorite child.  =)
In retrospect, I think I may actually be feeling a little better now than before I went to church.  Guess maybe getting my "church on" was a good thing, especially when feeling crabby and down. The darkness can only last for so long, because "weeping may endure for the night, but Joy cometh in the morning". Psalms 30:5